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Quotes by Stand up Comedian Demetri Martin
This is a pie chart of my procrastination.
Demetri Martin
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin
Some guy looked at me from a far away distance gave me a smile. He started running twords me, looked at me, and said, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."
Demetri Martin
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'
Demetri Martin
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
Demetri Martin
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
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